An Illustrated History of New Normandy 14 Nov 2007
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New Normandy, Canada’s oft-forgotten eleventh province, is known world-wide (to the extent that it is known at all) as home to the heroic Stupendous Girl!, defender of justice and champion for the defenseless. But there is so much more to the place than that! This small Maritime province has a rich and storied history, as does its capital city, Port Manteau. It’s certainly worth taking the time to review the fascinating story behind our setting.
Well, unless there’s something good on TV. I’ll wait here while you check.
Nothing, eh? I didn’t expect there to be. In that case, our story can begin…
Before the Europeans Came
Most histories will impress upon the reader the richness of cultural life expressed by the aboriginal inhabitants of the land. In the case of New Normandy, however, no such effort is possible – there had never been a permanent settlement there prior to the arrival of visitors from across the Atlantic.
Don’t get me wrong – the Mi’kmaq prized the area around Port Manteau for an abundance of fauna and aquatic life. The region saw heavy use as a temporary hunting and fishing grounds on a fairly regular basis. Rocky soil and an ever-changing intemperate climate, however, meant the land was of no use either for agriculture or permanent habitation, and thus the land only saw human use intermittently over a period of centuries. In fact, an early group of First Nations realtors, formed into a collective called Century 14, had rated Montou (“land of the mixing metaphors”) as the least desirable location on the continent east of the Mississippi.
Fig. 1 – New Normandy is somewhere in there…
Land is Sighted! (1642)
The modern history of New Normandy really starts in France some 400 years ago. In the northwest of the country, a small dissident religious community had blossomed, their chief concern the then ongoing suppression of French Protestantism. They felt it wasn’t nearly vigorous enough. This sect became increasingly annoyed with the lack of religious intolerance in their homeland. After many years a small group decided to charter a ship and set sail for the New World, where they could establish a colony which would persecute freedom of religion to their tastes. Unfortunately for them, they had tried to cut costs of the expedition by using a second hand map.
They expected to arrive on a tropical island paradise filled with exotic fruits, spices, and easily exploited locals. What they instead found on that fateful day in late September, 1642, when landfall was made (besides a run-on sentence) was a rocky, rain-soaked shore. Several parents among the settlers saw in this inauspicious landing a chance to make good on previously empty threats to their kids to “turn this boat around right now” if they didn’t stop misbehaving. The leaders of the colony-to-be, though, decided to stay where they were, viewing the unexpected terrain as a challenge from a stern and merciless God. The settlers decided to stay, hastily setting up a small village around the harbour of Manteau (though they did not know it as that until later. In the early years, the settlement was called Quelques Arpents de Neige.)
The winter of 1642 was harsh and many of the settlers perished, but those who survived stubbornly stuck it out. In the spring, surprised natives arrived near Montou to find European settlers on their hunting grounds. Quick to seize upon an opportunity, the local chiefs were able to convince the settlers that this worthless land they had colonized was quite dear to them, and they managed to wring almost 100 livres worth of trade goods out of the young colony in return for the rights to use the land around the harbour. In return, the French promised to respect the rights of the local peoples to hunt and fish on their traditional lands forever.
(As in the rest of Canada, “forever” ended up occurring during the 19th century.)
War Comes to the Colonies! (1643-1762)
Thus the fledgling settlement was born. New Normandy flourished got by for over a century, supported by an ample fishery and dedicated commitment to the most narrow-minded brand of faith available. By 1750, the population was estimated at 2500 people.
During the middle of the 18th century, war raged around the globe between the growing French and English empires. (Possibly some other European powers were involved as well, it was a confused time.) The Seven Years war did not spare New Normandy – it too was a vital center of this global battle for control of land and resources.
A small British army laid siege to Port Manteau for two days as a practice run while en route to Québec. The First Battle of Port Manteau, as it is known locally (it is known hardly at all non-locally) is recorded as a great victory, a heroic defense against the English aggressors. The city and the colony were never in any real danger from the outside – British commanders had already decided it would not be worth the cost of administering if annexed – but there was a considerable danger from within. Widespread rioting broke out, brought on when the city’s brandy supply ran out five hours into the siege. The riots were ultimately put down at great cost to the city’s ten man garrison (ironically enough, the major contributor to the brandy shortage).
After the war ended, New Normandy became a bargaining chip in the complex negotiations of the Treaty of Paris. It was a chip both sides forgot about, and due to a typographical error in the final treaty the colony was assigned to a second-rate Jacobite pretender named Prince Angus the Somewhat Attractive. New Normandy had gained its independence… by accident.
Fig. 2 – This man is more attractive than Prince Angus.
The Principality of New Normandy – The Early Years (1763-1864)
Now a sovereign nation, led by a would-be Stuart King of England, New Normandy truly took off. The Prince and his descendents ruled with a surprisingly liberal hand, tolerating much from their subjects and even allowing a National Parliament, elected by all landholders, after 1792. In return they asked only for lukewarm support for their insane schemes to topple the British crown. This desire was the defining feature of New Norman politics during the late 18th and much of the 19th century, the wish to create a New Norman Conquest. The influence of vestigial Jacobitism can be seen in several incidents, from New Normandy being the first nation to recognize the United States (in 1773, long before the revolution had started), to a farcical attempted invasion of Bermuda in 1825, finally followed by a confused event known as “The Second Forty-Five”. Official New Norman records hold that it as a valiant effort by Crown Prince Duncan to once again raise the Scottish Highlands to the Stuart banner. However, revisionist historians have begun to suggest that the whole affair was a peaceful family reunion, blown out of proportion by Duncan in a successful effort to get the Parliament to pay for his travel and drinking expenses. In any case, the events of The Second Forty-Five live on in local legend and song.
By the mid 19th century, the nation had grown immensely, with forestry and shipbuilding joining the traditional fishery as major engines of the economy. An 1850 New Norman census put the national population at 10,586, and that of Port Manteau at 2,301.
The Quest for Confederation (1864-1867)
As the proposal for the various colonies of British North America to confederate gained steam, New Normandy mulled over the advantages of the proposal. (Not that the New Normans had been proposed to, mind you, but their country was right in the midst of the proposed new country.) The Prince of the day, Rory the Unelected, was somewhat loathe to lose his position as head of state, but nonetheless authorized a delegation to head to Charlottetown to meet with other colonial leaders and see what terms could be struck for a deal. Unfortunately, the leaders of Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, Prince Edward Island, Ontario and Québec all saw the New Normans as interlopers just trying to attend the conferences for free drinks, and they were turned away at every turn. New Normandy would not be joining Canada any time soon.
Fig 3 – Maybe they would’ve let him talk if he hadn’t worn the hat.
The Principality of New Normandy – The Next Generation (1868-1913)
Now isolated, a small speck of illogical independent monarchy on a huge continent, the New Norman economy suffered, especially after Canada moved to a protectionist policy in the 1870’s. This hurt the trade oriented New Norman economy, and true recovery didn’t come for two generations or more. Unemployment stayed stubbornly high, and the princely government, already thought of mostly as a harmless lark, came into increasing disrepute. The creaky old New Norman state chugged along, held together with bailing wire and a lack of feasible alternatives.
It was not an entirely unhappy time. Immigrants began to pour into the country from Northern Europe. Granted, they were almost all doing so as a waystop to sneaking into either Canada or the US, but a few of the least intelligent and industrious never managed to make it out. These people are the revered ancestors of many New Normans today!
Fuck Serbia! (1914-1918 )
New Normandy had always been sensitive to the plight of smaller nations, so naturally they were concerned when, in 1914, the mighty Austro-Hungarian Empire began to bully the small country over its handling of the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand. For a time, it seemed New Normandy would mobilize in support of the Serbs. However, as soon as Great Britain entered the war, plans changed. The old animosity against the British crown (held only by the Royal Family at this point, the populace having long since stopped giving a damn) fired up, and to the shock of all the country announced its official neutrality on August 15th, 1914. When an international reporter asked Crown Prince Duncan about his previous statements of philosophical support for the gallant Serbs, his answer was a simple, vulgar, and self-serving “Fuck Serbia!”
The neutrality did not last through the war. As a bloody stalemate set in, both sides became desperate for help – so desperate that it began to seem worthwhile to canvas even tiny New Normandy. A small shipment of gold bullion, sufficient to wipe out the national debt, was enough to convince the government, and on March 14, 1916, the New Norman government formally joined the Central Powers and declared war on France, Russia, Italy, Belgium, Serbia, and the British Empire. (Of course, this included Canada, the country directly surrounding them which held 100 times the population or more. It was not the brightest of tactical decisions.)
New Normandy was again able to defend its independence in the Second Battle of Port Manteau, when four drunken members of the Canadian Expeditionary Force launched an unintended invasion while on leave. Most now agree the men were simply looking for a place to have a bite to eat, and perhaps try to pick up a local girl or two, as classified documents of the day show that the Canadian government had decided not to invade New Normandy, her soldiers being more useful elsewhere. At the time, though, the battle raised much panic, and its successful conclusion (the soldiers got back into their boat and rowed away back to Canadian soil) did much to unite the New Norman people behind the war effort.
In summer of 1916, an all volunteer regiment of some 1000 New Norman troops was raised to head to Europe. They made their dangerous trip across the ocean unmolested, excited by the stories they had heard of the Western front as a place to sample fine French cuisine, wine, and lusty farmer’s daughters. When the men arrived, though, they were sent by the General Staff to Berlin for garrison duty. Rather than meeting their expectations they were surrounded by sausages of all descriptions and watered-down schnapps. The men quickly despaired of their situation, and at the first opportunity they defected en masse to the front where they surrendered to the first Allied units they could find. Thus ended the New Norman involvement in the Great War.
Fig. 4 – It wasn’t all bad. Mustache rides were only 25 pfennigs.
Still the Depression (1919-1939)
The economic boom of the war pay-off soon faded due to government mismanagement, and New Normandy fell back into its 7 decade long depression. Things didn’t get any better when the rest of the world joined them. New Norman politics splintered horribly, with republicans fighting monarchists, leftists and rightists squabbling, Parliament impossible to control and unresponsive to the needs of the people. The 1930’s saw a particularly dangerous trend, as a radical Marxist group arose in the country, arguing that policy should be set in accordance with the philosophies espoused in the film Duck Soup.
Another War? Seriously? (1939-1945)
Having learned their lesson the last time, when a world war broke out again the princely government held a referendum, asking the people how they wanted to respond rather than playing a cynical game of power politics. In large numbers, the New Normans voted to stand up to fascist aggression and join the Allied war effort, putting aside a ridiculous one-sided feud with Great Britain. New Normans served with great distinction during the war, the expertise of the local shipbuilding industry coming in particularly handy for the Battle of the Atlantic.
As the war drew towards its conclusion, and the strain of maintaining their war effort had essentially broken New Normandy’s public finance, Canadian Prime Minister Mackenzie King made a secret offer to New Normandy’s Prince Kenneth, offering provincehood to New Normandy and a job for the Prince just as cushy and useless as being a royal figurehead – a lifetime posting to the Canadian Senate. Kenneth agreed, setting in motion the process of ending New Normandy’s sovereignty and joining it to the Canadian confederation.
The Province of New Normandy (1946-present)
New Normandy officially joined Canada on July 1st, 1946, in a ceremony described by the Toronto Star as…
…hold on, it must be in the archives somewhere.
Are you fucking kidding me?!!? They didn’t even send a reporter?
And that’s about how the last 61 years of provincehood have gone. New Normandy, with its population of 120,500 (54 thousand in Port Manteau alone) is Canada’s least populous province, and the only one with a hereditary senator (the monarchy lives!). It may be known only for the heroics of Stupendous Girl!, but it is a fascinating place with a rich tapestry of history. And now you know… the whole story!
Fig. 5 – Find the New Normandy flag, win a dollar!
Exercises
1) Would you rather be a prince or a commoner? Discuss.
2) Compare and contrast the differing approaches of New Norman governments to global political crises.
3) Go talk to your grandparents about the olden days, then report back. That’s always good for burning through a couple of classes.
4) Who was the greatest New Norman Prince of all time? Could they win a fight with Superman?
5) Seriously, are you still reading this thing? This gimmick got old, like, a thousand words ago. In a three paragraph essay, explain how long ago this gimmick got old. Provide evidence for your arguments.
The Ongoing Adventures of Stupendous Girl! 